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Signs of a Controlling Relationship and How to Avoid it

What are the signs of a controlling relationship?

A controlling relationship does not come from nowhere. Ask anyone who has been involved in a controlling relationship and they can tell you that there were early warning signs that the relationship was heading for trouble. The problem is that we too often ignore these early warning signs of control, or worse, are flattered by them.

Signs of a controlling relationship may be subtle and flattering early in a relationship, but as the relationship intensifies, the behaviour becomes more controlling and less flattering. Asking who you were talking to on the telephone, showing up “unexpectedly”, asking you to wear particular clothes or act a particular way are all early signs of a controlling relationship. The problem, of course, is that your new boyfriend may genuinely want to surprise you, or love you in a red sweater, with no ulterior motive. So, how to determine if your relationship is headed out of your control?

Controlling relationships have a clear division of power. If you express concern that your boyfriend is behaving too controlling, how does he react? For someone not interested in controlling you, the typical response may be surprise or even hurt feelings, but someone who wants control will get defensive, make you feel bad for bringing the subject up, and you may even end up apologizing for thinking anything was wrong. This is a warning sign of a controlling relationship, your boyfriend is laying the groundwork so that you do not complain in the future, because it is too much trouble, or not worth the argument.

If you know what to look for in a relationship, it is easy to recognize a controlling one. How do you avoid entering into a relationship with someone who is controlling? Take it slow. Controlling relationships often escalate quickly. If the relationship seems to be moving along too quickly, you should slow down, step back from the relationship and carefully consider how your partner is behaving. The controlling partner will become offended at your reservations, and, rather than stepping back to let you have space, will step forward, trying to push the relationship forward even as you retreat.

What to do if you find yourself in a controlling relationship? Often these relationships are simply unhealthy and draining. If you feel comfortable ending the relationship, do so. If, however, you are concerned for your safety, consider talking to a police officer, a counsellor or even a family member. Once you make the break, do not agree to meet, “just one more time” and pack any personal belongings you need to return and meet in a public area.

 

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